You're a pretty little iPhone. Yes you are!

Having taken a sick day, I was able to catch minute-by-minute updates from the MacWorld Expo keynote presentation by Apple CEO Steve Jobs. The hissy-fit throwing, pregnant girlfriend-dumping megalomaniac as portrayed by Noah Wyle in The Pirates of Silicon Valley is a personal hero of mine, so I was excited about it.

Below, bizarro Steve meets CEO Steve:



Everyone figured he'd unveil the new iPhone, which has been subject to some outlandish speculation in the last few years. This thing wasn't only going to be the best thing since sliced bread. It was actually going to physically slice bread, upload it into iTunes, and send it to 53 of your friends as an SMS text message for them to download and eat.

And Steve did unveil the iPhone this morning. And it was good. And while the real thing doesn't slice, dice, shoot lasers, or teleport you to the tropics, it's going to give gadget hounds a big fat boner. It's an iPod with a fully multitouch sensitive widescreen display, a phone that enables you to read voice messages out of order and punch in threaded text messages on an error-correcting QWERTY touch keyboard, an full Internet browser with tabbing, scrolling and zooming, and all sorts of other stuff. I want one, basically. And if you think this is starting to sound like an ad, you're right. I bought my first shares of Apple stock today, so buy as many Apple products as you can. RIGHT NOW.

In other news, I'm still sick. Trader Joe's Limeade is the schliznitawittasandwich. And it's official: J makes the best bowl of vegetarian chili ever.